Whose corner am I in?
I'm having one of those days when I feel angry at life. Can you relate? I'm simply struggling. It's nearing my birthday, and instead of it being a happy thing, it's making me anxious, stressed, and worried that nobody in my life cares to celebrate me.
Maybe it's narcissistic. I'm likely throwing a mental tantrum, similar to what a toddler would throw. Internally I'm screaming and stomping my feet. I'm sticking my bottom lip out as far as it will go. I'm furrowing my brow and whining endlessly, uselessly even, about the menial details of my life.
Instead of excitement and anticipation I feel a sense of dread. Will my family forget to call me? I probably won't have any presents to open. Will I spend my day wallowing? Being a shitty human? Making my husband feel bad on the one day I get to see him in a twelve-day span?
Why in the world do I have this sense of entitlement? Who says I deserve any of the things I listed above?
With my attitude in its current state, I deserve nothing but a dark, empty room with nothing.
I'm angry that I feel this way. I'm angry that I have this expectation of other people. I'm angry that I have so little faith in the people around me that I'm secretly anticipating nothing. I'm so irritated.
There's a large part of me that wants to wallow in these feelings. I want to allow it to consume me tonight. Sit around and be lonely while nobody is home. Find people on Instagram that showcase seemingly perfect lives so I can scroll for hours with a glass of wine and feel inadequate when compared to their facade. I don't want to go to sleep because it will end the anger I know partially stems from fatigue.
On the opposing corner of the ring is a thought I keep kicking while it's down: call someone. Stop wallowing. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. Be productive. Water your lawn. Cook for yourself. Finish booking those five sessions like a normal person. Turn on some music. Just take five seconds to appreciate what you have. Quick being a selfish garbage person and get to friggin work. You know you'll feel better. You know how to make this better. You always know how to make this better.
Guess we'll wait to see who wins.
Maybe it's narcissistic. I'm likely throwing a mental tantrum, similar to what a toddler would throw. Internally I'm screaming and stomping my feet. I'm sticking my bottom lip out as far as it will go. I'm furrowing my brow and whining endlessly, uselessly even, about the menial details of my life.
Instead of excitement and anticipation I feel a sense of dread. Will my family forget to call me? I probably won't have any presents to open. Will I spend my day wallowing? Being a shitty human? Making my husband feel bad on the one day I get to see him in a twelve-day span?
Why in the world do I have this sense of entitlement? Who says I deserve any of the things I listed above?
With my attitude in its current state, I deserve nothing but a dark, empty room with nothing.
I'm angry that I feel this way. I'm angry that I have this expectation of other people. I'm angry that I have so little faith in the people around me that I'm secretly anticipating nothing. I'm so irritated.
There's a large part of me that wants to wallow in these feelings. I want to allow it to consume me tonight. Sit around and be lonely while nobody is home. Find people on Instagram that showcase seemingly perfect lives so I can scroll for hours with a glass of wine and feel inadequate when compared to their facade. I don't want to go to sleep because it will end the anger I know partially stems from fatigue.
On the opposing corner of the ring is a thought I keep kicking while it's down: call someone. Stop wallowing. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. Be productive. Water your lawn. Cook for yourself. Finish booking those five sessions like a normal person. Turn on some music. Just take five seconds to appreciate what you have. Quick being a selfish garbage person and get to friggin work. You know you'll feel better. You know how to make this better. You always know how to make this better.
Guess we'll wait to see who wins.
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